I am finally able to report. I have a doctor.
Actually two. And soon... hopefully, three.
After the last horrible doctor, I just didn't have the energy to deal with all things medical. I took a break and thought I would keep her just because it was easier than continuing the search. But some nagging part of me kept saying... you don't want to settle for a bitch...there has to be a doctor out there for you. So I took charge again and decided to reevaluate the situation. Why were these doctors so outrageously pathetic at dealing with this disorder? What made them so insecure and lacking in bedside manner? And I came to the only conclusion I could draw...they are old. Old and set in their outmoded ways. Old and uneasy around a new class of informed patients. So...out with the old...in with the....(insert sound of light bulb turning on here)...
Resident! Someone fresh out of the academy with the latest knowledge and overflowing with enthusiam. Someone not jaded and comfortable with mediocrity. Someone with a fresh perspective. Someone close to my age that would see me as an equal and not a petulant child. And guess what... I WAS RIGHT!
Now I have a doctor who gives a shit. She's bright, witty, able to type and listen at the same time. Willing to listen and sort through all my symptoms without once glancing at her watch or reminding me that she needs to get to lunch. Someone who believes that pain medication is not such a big deal in light of my condition and has a plan to go forward with further tests and treatment plans. Someone who wants to work with a rheumatologist and neurologist in order to find a way for me to live again.
About. Fucking. Time. Holy shit, was that an ordeal.
and that's all the expletives I will use on the matter. I am now going to celebrate with a video game and a giant sigh of relief. Oh... that and some pain medication... bad pain day but good mental day! Aw well... you win some...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The tide has receded... Time for a beer!
11:00pm
Sleep: 8 broken hours. (4 times up)
Symptoms: weakness in arms...pain recedes... finally
Pain pills yesterday: half a percocet...
Pain pills so far today: none!
The tide has gone out. The pain recedes... as it always has. This has been my life for that past decade. This episode was by far the longest, the most acute... the worst. 4 months. 4 whole months of pain. Of fatigue. Of hell. And I made it to the other side. Time for a beer!
It's like the breath of life has come back into me. You would think I'd be happy but I'm not. I'm incensed. Angry to the point of boiling over. My world has been turned upside down by this thing and I'm paying 300 dollars a month to feel exactly the same. I hate this disease. I hate that it's invisible. I hate that my first doctor is never going to know how bad he can make someone feel. I hate that he'll never know that I never fell down the "slippery slope" he kept thinking I was going down.
Funny, I have a whole bottle of Percocet next to me, and I haven't taken one today. I could get high. I could knock one back with my beer. But funny enough... I'm just fine. I don't have pain so I don't need narcotics. Oh, they are so going to take my addict card away from me. There go my dreams of NA. Damn.
Sleep: 8 broken hours. (4 times up)
Symptoms: weakness in arms...pain recedes... finally
Pain pills yesterday: half a percocet...
Pain pills so far today: none!
The tide has gone out. The pain recedes... as it always has. This has been my life for that past decade. This episode was by far the longest, the most acute... the worst. 4 months. 4 whole months of pain. Of fatigue. Of hell. And I made it to the other side. Time for a beer!
It's like the breath of life has come back into me. You would think I'd be happy but I'm not. I'm incensed. Angry to the point of boiling over. My world has been turned upside down by this thing and I'm paying 300 dollars a month to feel exactly the same. I hate this disease. I hate that it's invisible. I hate that my first doctor is never going to know how bad he can make someone feel. I hate that he'll never know that I never fell down the "slippery slope" he kept thinking I was going down.
Funny, I have a whole bottle of Percocet next to me, and I haven't taken one today. I could get high. I could knock one back with my beer. But funny enough... I'm just fine. I don't have pain so I don't need narcotics. Oh, they are so going to take my addict card away from me. There go my dreams of NA. Damn.
Hey doctors... you are so fired!
1:30am
Sleep: 8 broken hours. (4 times up)
Symptoms: weakness in arms...pain recedes... finally
Pain pills yesterday: 2
Pain pills so far today:half a percocet...
Sleep: 8 broken hours. (4 times up)
Symptoms: weakness in arms...pain recedes... finally
Pain pills yesterday: 2
Pain pills so far today:half a percocet...
Ok.. so the saga continues. I haven't posted in a couple days cause I had a nervous breakdown after my rheumatology appointment but I've pulled myself up by my boot straps and am wearily continuing on this absurd journey.
I learned a couple of things this week:
My rheumatologist is an asshole. Yes, an asshole. A big one. He has the bedside manner of an ice cube try.
My Primary Physician is an outmoded doctor with a mean passive aggressive streak. (and that makes him a weakling on top of an asshole). He actually ignored everything I told him... about my wanting a new rheumatologist ( he told me I should stick with him cause it's easier), needing more pain meds(he pretended I didn't ask), and wanting to try some other courses of treatment.... instead I got a lengthy note that ended with:
"you know I'm not avoiding you if I suggest we do most of this by online or telephone as we have done an extensive exam, "know" each other reasonably well now, and most issues with fibromyalgia do not warrant a further physical exam. Of course if you have new symptoms or physical findings we will be happy to see you"
No, I don't "know" that you are not avoiding me... I know you are avoiding me. And how screwed up is this... he'll keep doling out the bare minimum pain pills(pills I want to get off eventually) but as for any further treatment... I can just keep my distance cause my whiny ass ain't getting any better... or less whiny. Just grow a pair and tell me that you don't want to have me as a patient.
There is sooooo much research on this... it's two clicks away on any google search. I have already sent them links and papers that refer to proven treatments and ways of managing pain. But it comes down to fundamental beliefs... They don't think I'm sick. They can't see it... and they don't want to feel stupid. AIDS was the same way. Blame it on the patient. Tell them it's their lifestyle. Tell them it's in their heads. But unlike AIDS... no one's dying so there's no pressure to find a cure. And it's mostly a female disease and we know how hysterical those women can be.
So...
My doctors are fired. Done. Finito.
So I start the journey again. I hired a new rheumatologist with a new appointment on the 20th of December. And come Monday, I shall have a new doctor in Seattle. This all exhausts the hell out of me just thinking about it. It's horrible to be sick and tired and having to fight to be taken seriously. This is not an incurable disease...it's an obstinate group of outmoded idiots who hate not knowing all the answers and are unwilling to keep trying. I'm sorry... is my chronic pain and horrible two page list of symptoms making your day difficult? I'm sooo sorry. Sorry that I make you feel helpless and uncomfortable. How the hell do you think I feel? Doctors get to go home and forget about me. They get to have six figured salaries and enjoy them without pain. I really hate to say it, but I could care less how frustrating this is for them... I'm frustrated. I have to live it 24/7. Hopefully not forever.
I learned a couple of things this week:
My rheumatologist is an asshole. Yes, an asshole. A big one. He has the bedside manner of an ice cube try.
My Primary Physician is an outmoded doctor with a mean passive aggressive streak. (and that makes him a weakling on top of an asshole). He actually ignored everything I told him... about my wanting a new rheumatologist ( he told me I should stick with him cause it's easier), needing more pain meds(he pretended I didn't ask), and wanting to try some other courses of treatment.... instead I got a lengthy note that ended with:
"you know I'm not avoiding you if I suggest we do most of this by online or telephone as we have done an extensive exam, "know" each other reasonably well now, and most issues with fibromyalgia do not warrant a further physical exam. Of course if you have new symptoms or physical findings we will be happy to see you"
No, I don't "know" that you are not avoiding me... I know you are avoiding me. And how screwed up is this... he'll keep doling out the bare minimum pain pills(pills I want to get off eventually) but as for any further treatment... I can just keep my distance cause my whiny ass ain't getting any better... or less whiny. Just grow a pair and tell me that you don't want to have me as a patient.
There is sooooo much research on this... it's two clicks away on any google search. I have already sent them links and papers that refer to proven treatments and ways of managing pain. But it comes down to fundamental beliefs... They don't think I'm sick. They can't see it... and they don't want to feel stupid. AIDS was the same way. Blame it on the patient. Tell them it's their lifestyle. Tell them it's in their heads. But unlike AIDS... no one's dying so there's no pressure to find a cure. And it's mostly a female disease and we know how hysterical those women can be.
So...
My doctors are fired. Done. Finito.
So I start the journey again. I hired a new rheumatologist with a new appointment on the 20th of December. And come Monday, I shall have a new doctor in Seattle. This all exhausts the hell out of me just thinking about it. It's horrible to be sick and tired and having to fight to be taken seriously. This is not an incurable disease...it's an obstinate group of outmoded idiots who hate not knowing all the answers and are unwilling to keep trying. I'm sorry... is my chronic pain and horrible two page list of symptoms making your day difficult? I'm sooo sorry. Sorry that I make you feel helpless and uncomfortable. How the hell do you think I feel? Doctors get to go home and forget about me. They get to have six figured salaries and enjoy them without pain. I really hate to say it, but I could care less how frustrating this is for them... I'm frustrated. I have to live it 24/7. Hopefully not forever.
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