Next Step....Trigger Point Injections....

I haven't written in a while...partially cause I've been trying to live my life rather than report on it....partially because everything I would write was negative...and I was boring even myself.

I'm laid up today so I thought it was time for a blog about one of the most effective treatments I've had for my condition...in case anyone else is looking for relief: Trigger Point Injections.

These little puppies make me a little queasy just thinking about them but they have...usually have...excellent results. The doctor basically injects either steroids or in my case two types of anesthetic (long acting and short acting) deep into the trigger point. A trigger point is the happy little "knot" of muscle that forms around an active nerve. The whole point of these injections is to dampen the nerve and therefore cut off the pain process. Of course, like everything, it's not a walk in the park. I am on day two of recovery. The night of the shots, I had a numb tongue, and I felt very light headed. By bedtime, all the muscles around my trigger points were tight and extremely painful. This is normal for trigger point injections. Yesterday was more of the same minus the tongue and adding a dose of nausea (but that was probably from an increase in gabapentin that my doctor prescribed at the same time as the injections). Today I woke up at 7:30 am and haven't been able to fall back asleep because of the terrible aching in my neck and shoulders. However, if this follows the same pattern as my old injections, by the end of today I should be feeling better.

So why endure more pain? If it works ( and I should clarify, it doesn't work for everyone with fibromyalgia...it just has a fairly good track record so it worth a try if you are really in pain) the pain should diminish or leave for a couple of months. And that would be a wonderful break. It's not a cure...but it's a vacation and hopefully will give the gabapentin a few weeks to kick the pains ass a bit.

There's nothing "cute" in Acute Flare ups....

The past four days have tried my patience again. 

I started seeing a therapist on Wed of last week in hopes of getting a handle on my "new"condition and the postpartum I have suffered since my son't birth. I was hopeful that this might help me feel better....but then....

I had noticed a pain beginning that day...in my right butt cheek, right hip, groin, and shooting down my upper right thigh. It was reminiscent of the pain that sent me into the doctor's in August only lighter.

It was much worse by the end of Wed  night.

Now it's Saturday. I've been bedridden since then. My Dr thinks it's an acute flareup. I see nothing cute about it.

It's horrible. No matter what position I'm in and no matter that I'm on 2 percocet every 4 to six hours, the pain breaks through. Now it's in my left shoulder. Trev hasn't had a day off in two weeks. I keep suggesting that we ask my mom to come help or beg a friend to help. He blatantly refuses saying he's ok. But I'm not ok. I want to help. I want to give him some time off. I want my life back. 

I've even suggested moving back to Orange County. That's how desperate I am.

The worst part? There's no definitive end. It could take hours, days or weeks

Whether it's a pinched nerve or an acute flareup....the treatment's the same. Stay off it.

Which essentially means dope yourself up and lay down. 

I hate this helplessness crap and I hate this pain....

The tale of the MRI and the sprained neck

Today I yawned and stretched lightly and ended up with a sprained neck.
I shit you not.
That's what life with Fibromyalgia literally is... a pain in the neck....caused by the silliest thing imaginable.

But the pain isn't silly. It was/is staggering in intensity. Just the weight of my own arm resting against my body hurts it. I have been doping myself silly since it began cause the other fun part of Fibromyalgia is that the pain doesn't subside. My endorphins don't kick in.

In other news, I had the MRI today.. no contrast though...just plain old MRI. For those who have no idea what it entails...They basically slide you into a tight tube and make lots of loud noises around you. And if it's with contrast, they inject an isotope into you that lights you up like a roman candle on film. That's it in a nutshell. It's boring and hell for anyone claustrophobic but otherwise it's easy.

I am nervous, though. I really hope they don't find anything.

On the positive side... the pain in my neck made the MRI seem like a vacation at least. I had to just lie there. Nice.

Relationships

I'm angry and jealous and frustrated and... insert all kinds of words here.

Worst of all, I'm dying inside. Just a little.

It was supposed to be a certain kind of day.

Last night I made plans. I felt better. So I would play then and work in the morning.

Because after three days of migraine, you just want a break from thinking.  So I made plans.

Got up quick, dressed the baby, fed him, and started to map out my day. Smiling.

My husband was grumpy. He had a rough night being a single parent while I slept in drugged slumber. His craggy wake up noises make me nauseous...not a good sign but I'm undeterred. Still going to have my work day..out.

Get to the bedroom and look in the mirror. The sight of me makes me dizzy. I'm not smiling anymore.

I'll take a shower. That will help. But then the room spins.

SHIT!DAMN!MOTHERFUCKING HELLLLLLLLL! I would say it all if I had the energy and my 20 month old wasn't sitting right there.

Back in bed before I throw up. My husband's ignoring me. He's used to it. He's probably jealous that I'm lying down even though I offered not 20 minutes ago to watch our son so he could get some sleep. And knowing he's jealous, I suddenly hate him. I hate his choice. I hate that he can choose to stay home when it's beautiful out. I hate that he doesn't even begin to understand not having a choice. I hate that he's never scared. He doesn't hurt... he doesn't....

I look at the sun on the curtains and the son in my husband's arms at the foot of the bed comfortably working their way through a book and it's suddenly as if I'm dead. I can't leave this bed because I'm long gone and trapped in this  limbo. Never to see the sun and never to hold my son again.

I start to cry. They don't notice. I feel lost.

But I know I'm just being oversensitive.

I know I'm not dead and I should count myself lucky that I'm able to watch my beautiful men. I am absurdly lucky and I remind myself to stop the pity party.

But no coffee shop for me today. I'll work at home... in bed.

I'll watch the sun out of my window and think how lucky I am.

And I remind myself that I love my husband. That I'm glad he will never truly understand.
And that I should appreciate the coffee he's bringing me from the coffee shop through complaints and grumbles.
He does love me... I know.

I'm just sad. I just was hoping again and it failed...

It was supposed to be a certain kind of day.

Neurology...Party of two...

Badddd pain day. At least a 7 or 8 on the Richter scale.
Carpal hell.
Neck and shoulders are solid steel.

However... I did get a Neurologist today.

First off... she liked my Nook!
(For those of you who live in a cave and haven't heard of e-readers...The Nook is one of them and not some twisted sexual term, so get your mind out of the gutter.)
Which says to me that she's the first frickin doctor to show any human interest in me outside of my illness! She must of spent 5 minutes on the subject...trying it out and smiling at our common interest.

After comparing e-readers... she has a Kindle by the way, we got down to business. And on top of the human element...she was thorough. At this point I expected her to suddenly poof out of existence. It can't be. Human. Conversational. Intelligent. And thorough?

It was akin to meeting the Tooth Fairy in person. (Oh, you are real...*pause*...seriously? (awkward silence) So...teeth, huh?) 


Luckily, I was only fazed a bit and was able to make out the words.... rule out and MRI.

A real MRI. For me. *blushes* And I didn't get her anything 
(apart from what I suspect is a ridiculously large salary contribution and an only slightly less ludicrous co-payment but who's keeping track.)


So pain be damned, I be a-celebratin' tonight.....yesssireee!

Fun and Frustration.

It's been a long day.

A long, long, long, day. One of the upsides of Gabapentin is that it seems to slow down time. One of the downsides is that it seems to slow down time.

That and this cold is still kicking my ass just a bit.
And I'm in intermediate pain.
And Sky's only taking a one hour nap and is now going to bed at 10pm
And he treats time with Mommy like it's a free for all... I gather he thinks I might disappear any minute.

But I was supposed to give Trevor the day off. He deserves it. He needs it.

I failed.

First, I couldn't get up. The muscle relaxants that help me sleep actually do what they say they do.
Then I couldn't finish the day. I just couldn't. I was going to admit failure and ask for Trev to finish out the last hour before bed but then the saint asked.... he asked if I needed him to...and I had to say yes. I failed.

Now before anyone thinks I'm depressed over this... well, you might be a little right, but a bigger part of me is struggling to see this as a win. I came, I saw, and instead of digging my own grave to kick some ass... I caved. I took the easy way out. And that's a healthy thing. The thing you should do when your body says enough. I've been living my whole life trying to prove myself worthy. Now I can't remember who I was proving myself to. Or what worthy is.

In the end, I'm just me. And sometimes, I can't do everything. And that's ok or at least it has to be now.

Drugs...the truth

8:00pm
Sleep: 9 hours. (2 times up)
Symptoms: back, neck and leg pain
Pain pills yesterday: 3 pills
Pain pills so far today: 2 pills so far.




Drugs...my new treatment plan. 

It's a slippery slope they say.

Pain pills are addictive, they say. 

The truth is....the average person has a 10 percent chance of becoming addicted to drugs if on them long term. The person with chronic pain has a 3.27 percent chance of succumbing to addiction. (if you doubt my numbers... there are a lot of studies... here's one http://newsletter.qhc.com/JFP/JFP_pain120110.htm). There is, however, a higher chance of dependence... but hey that's a no brainer... I'm in pain, the drugs help... I might depend on that. heheh

They say painkillers are bad for you. 

They can kill you if you take too much.

The truth is...the only thing really bad for you in pain killers is...(drumroll, please) the tylenol! For some annoying reason, they constantly pair the two. What most people don't know is that Tylenol and Ibprofen came before the rigorous FDA limits set in modern day. If they had been created now, they would probably be controlled substances due to their harmful side effects. Overdoses that kill are usually due to liver failure tanked by the exorbitant amount of Tylenol paired with the Narcotic. 

I had to sign a contract for painkillers.

I need a signed piece of paper to get them at the drugstore because it's a controlled substance.

Gabapentin, however, is not a controlled substance.

No contract for it either....or signed prescription. 

The truth is.... Painkillers kill severe pain sort of. They help take the edge off. They also make you nauseous, dizzy, and give you a light headache. The high you feel is questionable. To be honest, I think I've had more of a high from Benadryl. 

However...Gabapentin is highly fun to use and is definitely a dependence drug as you have to ease into it and ease out of it or you go into withdrawals similar to alcoholic withdrawal. The high seems like a cross between being buzzed from alcohol and high from pot. It's fun but highly distracting when using while parenting. It takes weeks to get used to so there will be no driving for me for awhile and I keep forgetting what I just said. Very fun but very inconvenient. But no contract necessary. Go figure. 

(Oh and if you are wondering... it's supposed to help nerve pain in the long term... it's a brain drug.)

The truth is..."They" are full of crap. And the medical establishment is highly biased and off base.

The truth is... I am high... feeling fine, and going to go play video games while I forget the asinine journey that I've been on. Fuck you, medical establishment.