Relationships

I'm angry and jealous and frustrated and... insert all kinds of words here.

Worst of all, I'm dying inside. Just a little.

It was supposed to be a certain kind of day.

Last night I made plans. I felt better. So I would play then and work in the morning.

Because after three days of migraine, you just want a break from thinking.  So I made plans.

Got up quick, dressed the baby, fed him, and started to map out my day. Smiling.

My husband was grumpy. He had a rough night being a single parent while I slept in drugged slumber. His craggy wake up noises make me nauseous...not a good sign but I'm undeterred. Still going to have my work day..out.

Get to the bedroom and look in the mirror. The sight of me makes me dizzy. I'm not smiling anymore.

I'll take a shower. That will help. But then the room spins.

SHIT!DAMN!MOTHERFUCKING HELLLLLLLLL! I would say it all if I had the energy and my 20 month old wasn't sitting right there.

Back in bed before I throw up. My husband's ignoring me. He's used to it. He's probably jealous that I'm lying down even though I offered not 20 minutes ago to watch our son so he could get some sleep. And knowing he's jealous, I suddenly hate him. I hate his choice. I hate that he can choose to stay home when it's beautiful out. I hate that he doesn't even begin to understand not having a choice. I hate that he's never scared. He doesn't hurt... he doesn't....

I look at the sun on the curtains and the son in my husband's arms at the foot of the bed comfortably working their way through a book and it's suddenly as if I'm dead. I can't leave this bed because I'm long gone and trapped in this  limbo. Never to see the sun and never to hold my son again.

I start to cry. They don't notice. I feel lost.

But I know I'm just being oversensitive.

I know I'm not dead and I should count myself lucky that I'm able to watch my beautiful men. I am absurdly lucky and I remind myself to stop the pity party.

But no coffee shop for me today. I'll work at home... in bed.

I'll watch the sun out of my window and think how lucky I am.

And I remind myself that I love my husband. That I'm glad he will never truly understand.
And that I should appreciate the coffee he's bringing me from the coffee shop through complaints and grumbles.
He does love me... I know.

I'm just sad. I just was hoping again and it failed...

It was supposed to be a certain kind of day.